Monday, October 09, 2006

Sex, Addiction, Satan, Congress. The World is Coming to an End

My name is Jill and I'm an internet addict.

I am powerless over broadband and my life has become unmanageable.

I've never really been convinced of satanic power. Then I heard about this I beseech you, do not click that link.

If you do, your time as a productive member of society will come to an abrupt end, just as decidedly as if you took up heroin and meth simultaneously. The Timothy Leary behind this life-wasting altered state? Jonhs. I don't know if he can't spell John, or what, but he's a pusher.

Click and you'll be lost to the power of carefully crafted zeroes and ones, the digital age will finally have taken over society. Your babies will have persistent diaper rash from sodden Huggies. The refrigerator will turn into a sparse collection of oddly shaped mold. The trash will not get to the curb on Thursdays, your well-tended grass will become a prairie, and some, I've heard, have catheterized themselves so as not to miss a moment.

What pernicious force is at work?

It sounds so innocent. So beguiling. I'll watch just one.

That's how it starts. That link will take you to a list of movies you can watch for free, right there on your computer screen. FREE. Classics, B-movies, talkies, you name it. These are the movies you've always loved (okay, not all of them), but they're now in the public domain for God and everyone to see.

If you have the fortitude to resist such classics as The Wild Women of Wongo, then you must lead a sad and frigid life, an appallingly spartan existence, devoid of human pleasure, eating only generic dog food because you couldn't care less about anything pleasurable.

While I pity you, you'll be the only one taking over for the rest of us. Only the most bland and lifeless shell of a human organism could resist cinema classics with a story line like this:

On the tropical island of Wongo, a tribe of beautiful women discover that the other side of the island is inhabited by a tribe of handsome men. They also discover that a tribe of evil ape men live on the island, too, and the ape men are planning a raid on the tribe in order to capture mates.

It's got it all. Scantily clad buxom women in their sexual prime, muscle-bound men over-run with testosterone, and a marauding band of monkeys who want the women for themselves (sex and more sex, and maybe even a hint of sex with monkeys, just perfect for titillating the more salacious members of Congress).