Thursday, May 19, 2005

I am not, nor will I ever be, Rumplestiltskin.

Over the years, I've written a lot of bios. You know, those self-serving bits of prose outlining accomplishments, usually in connection with landing new business? In case you're not familiar with the form, they often describe a beacon of natural-born leadership just chock-a-block with core competencies that proactively shift the paradigm with standard-issue 30-hour workdays, serving 24/7 to deliver optimum benefits while maximizing productivity for the end user (whose needs are paramount, and also primary, top-of-mind and our single highest priority). Maybe this beacon plays golf, but only for business purposes. Maybe he has children, but again, only for business purposes.

Crap like that isn't worth the zeroes and ones that get thrown into the ether. Value is in direct proportion to truth. I'm always amazed at how intimidated people can be when I suggest this. "But I won't sound professional." or "People won't take me seriously."

But no matter how exalted the potential reader's position, well-chosen and authentic details beat shopworn platitudes every time. There's no reason to hide behind language. Unless, of course, you are a filthy reprobate with no moral center, then lying is probably the way to go.

For the rest of us, our Maker's authentic version beats the best bullshit money can buy. You are not, nor will you ever be, Rapunzel. That goes double for me.

So now it's my turn. We're down to the wire on our website (coming soon! and apart from our philosophy, the only thing left to write is my bio.

I will tell the truth and only the truth, so help me Gosh. But oy shiite, to put religious allusions where they should never go again, it's a trapeze act with false modesty on one side and ugly naked conceit on the other. I'd rather discuss parliamentary politics with a two-year old.

Watch this space for further developments.